I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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