haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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