I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i wish my penis had a tongue
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
