So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
