I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
