I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
