captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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