i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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