I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
