Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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