I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
