This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
