I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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