So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
