hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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