she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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