He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I just want to make out with him forever
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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