Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
