I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
