You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
