can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize