I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Randomize
