Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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