he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
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