omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
