he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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