Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
