I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
