I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
