i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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