Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
