today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
