Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
