I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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