dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
two words: eviction party
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
