Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
