i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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