she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
He shit in the fireplace
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
