checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I'm too high and old for this...
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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