well I can't set my house on fire every night
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
