I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
