i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
