I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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