we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
