remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
