After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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