I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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