Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
