cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
