i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
