My room smells like vodka and shame
Where did you get a picture of my penis
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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