Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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