I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Best friends brother. Beat that.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
