I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
