why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize