Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
