I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
