"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize