I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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