i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Randomize
