I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
