this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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