My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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